27 Mar

100 Tips for Talking about Money with your Spouse, Family and Friends

Talking about money isn’t something that comes easily for most of us. We have all been taught a lot of different rules about the etiquette of discussing our finances, rules that often conflict with what others in our lives have learned. Many of us have developed bad habits around discussing money with those who are closest to us. And money is a topic that is often prone to causing fights within our relationships.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. It is possible to have healthy ongoing communication about finances with our romantic partners, our family members and even our friends. In fact, it’s imperative that we learn to do so sooner rather than later because this kind of discussion can really help us go a long way towards saving money. To get you started on the way to having healthy financial communication, here are 100 of the best tips available for discussing finances and frugal living with the people in your life.

Basic Tips for Discussing Money with the People in your Life

These are some basic tips that you should follow when discussing money with almost anyone in your life:

1. Be honest about your money situation. How much detail you reveal depends on the discretion required for the situation but you should never be outright dishonest when discussing money.
2. Stay calm. Money gets people all riled up but that only hinders good financial communication. Do whatever you need to do to stay calm when talking about money.
3. Don’t gripe. People complain about money and debt and the stress of finances all of the time. This sets the stage for negative conversations all around. Work actively to have positive, pro-active conversations.
4. Consider the different technology we use to communicate and whether it’s appropriate for talking about money. Some people are content to discuss money in email but others find that it has to be a face to face thing. Know where you stand.
5. Be willing to learn. The great thing about financial conversations is that we can all learn something from one another if we open ourselves up to seeing money in a different way.
6. Get to know your financial self. You really need to take a close look at what you’re spending and savings are, what your emotions around money are and what types of financial goals you have. Knowing yourself puts you in a better position to talk about money with others.
7. Admit that you’re afraid. One of the things that makes talking about money so difficult is that we’re afraid of money and we’re afraid of talking about it. Admit to yourself and to others that you’re afraid.

Tips for Discussing Money with a Spouse / Romantic Partner

They say that the two biggest things that couples fight about are sex and money. We aren’t going to talk about sex here but we can definitely give you some advice that may improve your relationship in terms of how you deal with money. It’s best to start early – begin having open discussions about finances before you’ve even moved in together. However it’s never too late to start changing your relationship with money and improving your relationship with your spouse.

Before you move in together

Here are some good tips to follow for beginning to discuss finances before you move in with a romantic partner:

8. Begin talking about money early on in the relationship. You don’t need to get into big discussions about your finances but don’t shy away from the topic of money when it comes up.
9. Reveal your debt. People who are going to eventually combine their income and debt need to know what they’re getting into.
10. Write down your financial goals separately. Share these with each other and discuss them. If you aren’t on the same page about things, you should work through that before moving in together.
11. Make a list of the top ten things that you each waste money on. These are the little things that could end up being big problems later on so you should know what they are in advance.
12. Determine how you want to share your money when you move in together. Will you have separate or joint accounts? Who will write out the bills? Make a clear plan and put it down on paper.
13. Practice compromising when it comes to money. He wants to pay for dinner, she wants to pay her half … maybe she can buy the dessert or tip the waiter. These little compromises add up to a lot of practice for the big stuff.
14. Open up about how your parents did or did not discuss money with you. This will give you a lot of insight into how to communicate with each other.
15. Ask each other what you value other than money. It’s important to know where money falls on your scale of shared values.
16. Make a commitment to deal with the money issue head on. Making a verbal (or even written) commitment to each other will make it easier to keep this financial conversation ongoing.

Once you live together

The conversation about money gets really serious after you live with your spouse. Here are some tips for that ongoing financial communication:

17. Create shared financial goals for your marriage. This helps you to feel as though you’re working towards something together, strengthening your marriage and your finances.
18. Challenge each other to come up with creative ways to enjoy frugal living together. Stay in and enjoy your home, for example you can get all the latest movies at a faction of the cost of going to the cinema, sky.com/packs, only £1. Inspire each other to be romantic without spending a lot of money.
19. Create rituals for dealing with finances. Maybe you put all of the day’s receipts into a jar at night. Perhaps you send each other text messages with the amount spent that day.
20. Make a monthly money date. It’s easier to talk about money if you do it often. Schedule a lunch date with each other once a month to talk about money. Make it enjoyable – take a picnic lunch into your home office to enjoy while poring over bank statements and setting financial goals.
21. Don’t talk about money all of the time. With that monthly money date in place, you can postpone most money conversations throughout the rest of the month. This leaves you free to talk about other things and keep your marriage interesting!
22. Talk about money in an appropriate place only. Don’t talk about money while you’re in bed together, when you’re trying to enjoy a nice meal or when you’re at a family reunion. Wait until there’s an appropriate time to discuss the things that come up.
23. Revisit your financial goals once each year. Your goals and plans will change over the years and you need to be aware of those changes. Make a plan to discuss this seriously once a year to stay on the same page. Tax time is a good time to do this since you’re already dealing with money then.
24. Take financial classes together. Learning about money together makes it easier to deal with money together.
25. Ask yourself what you can do when a financial problem comes up. It’s so easy to blame a spouse for spending or saving differently than we do but that doesn’t solve much. Make it a point to always ask yourself what you can do to improve the situation and meet your spouse halfway.
26. Work on trust. If you’re spending time looking at bank statements and trying to see if your spouse is spending when he or she “shouldn’t” be then you’re creating sneaky problems in your relationship conversations.
27. Respect your partner’s financial relationships with others. Your partner may have money issues with parents, siblings and even ex-spouses. You need to accept that and find a way to be respectful of the situation. This isn’t easy but it’s necessary.
28. Adapt to changes together. People lose their jobs, experience medical emergencies and shift their financial priorities. Work together through the tough times to adapt to financial changes.
29. Celebrate when you meet financial goals. Big and small, they should be celebrated and it’s best to do them together.

Tips for Discussing Money with your Parents

Many of the habits that we’ve learned about discussing money (for good or bad) are habits that developed in our own homes as we watched our parents deal with and discuss finances. If you’ve still got your parents in your life – whether you live with them or have moved out and are on your own – then you probably still talk about money with them. Here are some tips for improving that communication.

When you still live in their home

If you still live in your parents’ home then there’s a good chance that they have a vested interest in your money. This can be frustrating! Here are some tips for keeping the lines of communication open and appropriate with your parents.

30. Assume that they are trying to help. Your parents probably want what’s best for you so try to see them as allies instead of adversaries.
31. Make an effort to take responsibility for yourself financially. Just because Mom pays the rent doesn’t mean that she should be paying your cable bill. Taking small steps towards your own financial independence will make it easier to talk to your parents about money in a respectful way.
32. Come up with ways to contribute to the home that aren’t financial. Maybe you’re living on your parents’ dime. Discuss with them the fact that you’d like to do certain chores or help with things so that you’re not just mooching.
33. Learn how to do a little tit for tat. For example, tell your parents that you’ll discuss big purchases with them in advance if you’re free to make small purchases without scrutiny.
34. Admit when you are in over your head. Many people don’t want to tell their parents that they’re having financial trouble with credit cards or other issues. Keeping it a secret is probably going to create problems. Put it out there in the open so everyone can deal with it.
35. Ask your parents what the rules are about money in your home. You’d be surprised how much easier it is to talk to your parents about money when you’ve asked them what’s going on.
36. Talk to both of your parents together. Don’t ever play one parent off of the other when it comes to money even if it’s tempting to do so.
37. Accept that you live in your parents’ home. There are just some rules you’ll have to follow and money things you’ll have to deal with while this is the situation so accept it, stop fighting it and live peacefully.
38. Create a plan for moving out. If you and your parents work together on a financial plan that will eventually put you on your own then you’ll feel better about living with them and sharing finances.

When you’ve moved out and are on your own

Many people still discuss money with their parents after they’ve moved out on their own. This is great when the communication is healthy but sometimes it results in a lot of resentful feelings that your parents are muddling in your adult financial life. Here are some tips for dealing with this situation:

39. Set clear boundaries. Decide on your own what you will and won’t discuss with your parents and financially and stick to those boundaries.
40. Respect your spouse and children. As you get older, your family priorities shift away from your role as a child and towards your role as a parent and spouse. When discussing finances with your own parents, respect the rights to financial privacy that your other family members have.
41. Rely on parents for financial help only as a last resort. After you’re on your own, you need to be responsible for your own finances. If you rely on parents for help, then they are going to feel that they have a right to tell you how to spend and save and you want to avoid that.
42. Don’t overreact. You don’t live in your parents’ house anymore so you don’t need to get all worked up about their opinions on your money. Just listen and let it go.
43. Find non-money things to discuss with your parents. Parents sometimes try to get us to talk about money because it gets us riled up. In a weird way, this makes them feel that they’re still closely involved in our lives. If we are close in other ways, this will be less of an issue.
44. Use the “I” word. Parents still feel responsibility for your finances since you’re their child. They’ll feel less responsible if you talk about your own feelings and situation without blaming them.
45. Stop talking about the past. The financial past is over with so deal with it and move on.

When your parents are elderly

At some point your parents are going to get to be elderly and you may need to get involved in their financial lives. This is a big transition and one that requires work to happen smoothly.

46. Honor the fact that this change is difficult for them. Giving up financial responsibility isn’t an easy thing to do. Be aware of this difficulty and give your aging parents the chance to express themselves emotionally about what’s going on.
47. Listen to what they want. This can be difficult as parents get older and what they want conflicts with what’s realistic. (For example, seeking to remain in their own homes even though they can no longer afford to do so.) However, you should listen to these wants and try to help your parents with them as much as possible.
48. Work with your parents on a set of financial goals for their older years. This will be something that you can look at again and again as new issues come up while they age.
49. Don’t step in to soon. Yes it’s frightening when your 80 year old mother suddenly decides to buy a big new home or travel the world with her savings. However, if she’s not mentally unstable then you don’t have any right to interfere. Express your concerns but let her make her choices.
50. Work with your siblings when discussing your parents’ finances.
51. Get as much information as possible. The older that your parents get, the more burden you’re going to bear for assisting with their finances. Try to get as much information from them as possible about investments, real estate and savings.
52. Put it in writing. When you start dealing with your parents’ finances, things can get legally murky. As this situation develops, put everything you’re discussing in writing.
53. Deal with your own fears and anger about having to start taking care of your parents finances. You don’t want those emotions making things more complicated.

Tips for Discussing Money with your Kids

One of the things that we are responsible for as parents is figuring out how to teach our kids to be financially independent and to handle money properly. By improving the way that we communicate about money with our kids, we can do a better job of preparing them for their financial futures. And who knows, we may even learn a few things from them about finances in the process!

When they are young

It is never too early to start talking to your kids about money. Here are some basic tips for that:

54. Give your kids an allowance. This teaches them to earn money, save money and spend money starting at an early age.
55. Discuss some of your financial decisions in an age-appropriate manner. At a fairly young age kids can be taught that they aren’t getting new video games until the bills get paid.
56. Answer their questions honestly. Kids will tell you what they need to know by asking curious questions. If you are dishonest or brush them off then the money conversation is going to go wrong early on.
57. Make sure not to try to buy your children’s love. This is a big problem in busy families and it creates a lot of financial issues for kids.
58. Be open about your philosophies on money. Initiate conversations with your kids about your feelings on finances.
59. Allow your kids to develop their own opinions. Ask what they think about money. Don’t judge or shame them for your thoughts even as you share yours.
60. Invite children to watch over the years as you do different financial tasks like ordering your credit report, filing financial papers or creating a budget.
61. Involve children in creating simple budgets for things like family vacations.
62. Be aware of the messages that you send to your kids about money. If you overhear your kids telling their friends something about money that doesn’t sit right with you, ask yourself how your children got that message.
63. Talk to your spouse first and your child second. You and your partner should be on the same financial page before discussing money with kids.

When they are grown but living in your home

Many parents are still bearing the financial burden for adult children who are living at home. This can make conversations about money really uncomfortable. Follow some of these tips:

64. Make clear rules about your children’s financial responsibilities. Do they have to pay rent? Buy their own groceries? Pay their own cell phone bills? Be clear about this.
65. Don’t bail them out. It is so tempting to bail out older / adult children when they get into financial trouble but it’s a bad idea to do this because it makes them dependent on you financially. Don’t give in to the urge.
66. Invest in your children. If you do want to help the financially, the best way is through investment in their education or by setting up an account for them. Plan this through carefully.
67. Never tell your children what they owe you for raising them. They don’t.
68. Commit to a monthly family talk about money. Like the talk that you have with a spouse, this is a time when you get the money issues on the table with your older kids.
69. Ask adult children what they’re going to do about their financial problems. This puts the ball in their court.
70. Reserve your judgments about your adult child’s spending. If they’re paying what they have agreed to for living in your home then you need to back off even though they live there.
71. Admit your resentments. We are sometimes resentful of the fact that older kids are still living with us. If that’s the case, admit it to yourself and deal with the issue instead of making the problem about money when it’s not.

When they have moved out and are on their own

After your kids are on their own, you will still discuss money with them. This may be especially true as you start to get older and have financial concerns that you want them to be aware of. Here are some tips for those talks.

72. Do more listening and less talking. Your kids needed you for advice and financial guidance when they were young. Now they need to sort things out on their own with your sound financial ear as support.
73. Let your adult kids know that you’re willing to help them learn how to budget, save money and get into investing. Then wait until they say they are ready for your help. When they ask, be there to assist.
74. Invite them to attend financial classes and workshops with you.
75. Solicit your kids’ advice on technology as it applies to money. They probably know more than you in this area!
76. Admit your changing financial fears. As your kids become adults, they are ready to hear the reality of your fears about money as you get older. Admit this and find a proactive way to eliminate those fears together.
77. Consider their finances when planning family things. You may want your kids home for Christmas but if this puts a financial burden on them then it creates a lot of stress. Discuss the issue openly to resolve the financial aspect of these things.
78. Put your financial affairs in order. This will help when dealing with money as you get into your older years.

Tips for Discussing Money with your Friends

Many people believe that it’s not polite to talk about money and so they don’t discuss it in their social circles. However, money impacts all of us and sometimes it does make sense to share our concerns, tips and thoughts on money with the friends we are closest with. Here are some tips on how to do that.

79. Talk in terms of ideas, not numbers. You don’t necessarily want to discuss specific income or savings information with your friends. Keep numbers out of the equation and talk about your thoughts on money instead.
80. Don’t offer unsolicited advice. Your opinion is one thing but it’s not your place to be telling any of your friends what to do with your money.
81. Support each other subtly in your savings goals. If a friend says that she’s trying to save money, invite her out for coffee instead of for a fancy dinner.
82. Be frank in discussing big expenses that are shared with friends. If you do vacations with friends, for example, you should talk about your budgets for the trip in advance.
83. Ask your friends for financial tips. Getting someone else’s opinion is a great way to open up a conversation in a non-threatening manner.
84. Send money-related links to your friends online. Links to money saving blogs and financial advice are innocuous enough but they allow money to become a part of your ongoing conversation.
85. Let your friends know when you’re learning about money. Casually mention books that you’re reading and classes that you’re taking to open up the money conversation.
86. Invite friends to celebrate your financial successes. It’s totally okay to have parties to celebrate job promotions and paying off debt. Don’t rub the success in anyone’s face but invite others to enjoy it with you.
87. Be there for your friends during the tough times. If you’re there with an ear during problems with bankruptcy or job loss, your friends are going to open up to you.
88. Never gossip. It’s a good rule to follow anyway and one that’s imperative to follow when it comes to money.

Tips for Discussing Money with other People in Life (Co-workers, Acquaintances, Etc.)

If it’s considered improper to talk about money with friends then it’s considered outright wrong by many to bring up finances with those people who are less than friends, people like our co-workers or our friends of friends. But money does come up now and then. Here are some tips on handling conversations about money with these types of people.

89. Err on the side of privacy. Don’t ask for personal financial information. That’s just nosy.
90. Respect your own boundaries. If someone asks you a financial question that you don’t want to answer, simply state that you aren’t comfortable discussing it and move on.
91. Discuss money topics in general, not specifically. Don’t talk about your money but rather about general money issues.
92. Use the headlines in the news to start money conversations.
93. Be aware of the mood in the room. If the money conversation feels uncomfortable, change the topic.
94. Be clear about what you want to say. Sometimes we need to bring up money with people because of business or personal issues. Know in advance what you want to say and articulate it clearly.
95. Join groups that are specifically designed for people to talk about money. This helps you learn how to have these talks in the right kind of setting.

Some Final Tips for Talking about Money

Finally, consider the following important money tips for your life:

96. Educate yourself continually about money. The more that you know about finances, the better that you’re going to be able to discuss this topic.
97. Consider getting professional help if your conversations about money continue to be problematic. There are family and marriage counselors specifically skilled in teaching you to learn how to talk about money.
98. Avoid euphemisms. Many of us are so uncomfortable talking about money that we use metaphors and euphemisms and vague references in our conversations. Drop that talk.
99. Be aware of the fact that sometimes our discussions about money aren’t about money at all. When someone who loves you gets angry that you’re spending too much money on drinking, their concern is really about your drinking. Try to address the underlying issues and not the money problems.
100. Relax. We all mistakes when we are learning to talk about money. Just relax and keep on trying. Those doors to financial communication will eventually open up.

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